Fears

Face it, we all have them.  Whether it’s just a small fear of forgetting that you left something on at home while your driving to work to a fear of heights as you’re lifting off the runway.  Admit it, something out there scares you.  What a perfect day to discus fear…Halloween…bawahahahahahahaha 😉

I talked about experiences before and how they can shape our lives.  Make you decide on certain things or choose differently because of what you’d been through.  They can also instill a fear about something in you.  Even something that was once innocent or something that you once enjoyed like swimming in the ocean; getting stung by a stingray can change your mind about getting in that water.

I’ve pondered whether or not I wanted to post on this.  Seeing as how it is personal to me I wondered if I wanted to let my readers know.  Do I want to open up a little and give them some insight?  But, as we move closer and closer to the date that it will all come to a head, I thought, maybe this would help me.  Maybe this would make it seem less silly to be getting my stomach in knots over it.  Or maybe it will make it seem more silly to be over-reacting.  I’ll let you be the judge of that.

The Mr. & I were water people for a long time when we first got together.  We enjoyed many trips to the lakes and river.  Then we had kids and I was nervous about the water and babies.  Thankfully, Mr. understood.   So, it was a nice change when we decided to go to the desert and got ourselves a trailer to take our toys out and for sleeping in.

We visited the dunes.  We’d go to the local desert area which is not that far of a drive.  Lots of campfires.  Tons of riding.  Many adventures.  Laughter with friends and family.  Our kids have been raised in the desert.  So much fun!

An incident on the freeway one afternoon as we were heading out of town one day caused me to have anxiety about driving with the trailer.  I had panic attacks, still do on occasion.  I’d have to take distractions with me in the vehicle.  I’d read or play on FB or write.  I’m slowly getting better about that.  The beginning of the season is always the hardest for me.  And, yet, this isn’t the reason this year seems to be troublesome.

The problem is, I could have been easily widowed by the desert.  I went through a range of emotions; terrified, angry, sad…all of it aimed toward something beyond my control.  And I shouldn’t look at it that way.  The optimist in me says that I should be grateful  and that things could have been so much worse.  Something in me believes that there has to be some bigger thing that will happen which will make this all make sense.  There has to be!

It’s hard to keep a positive attitude when the image of a loved one being severely injured keeps replaying in your mind on constant repeat.  There were nights I’d close my eyes and witness the horror again and again.  The simple sight of the boot that had been cut from his foot brought back another round of nightmares even after he’d come home from the hospital.

The anxiety of waiting for help to arrive while you try and keep your loved one calm without letting them know just how bad it really is.

The fear of wondering where the helicopter is taking him and the hours of driving that lay in front of me to get home, to get to the hospital, to get answers.

The wonder of how to explain things to the kids so they’d be reassured that daddy would be okay.

I know I’m not the only one who’s experienced witnessing a trauma to a loved one.  I know others have dealt with much worse than I did.  And I think that’s the main reason why I feel so silly for feeling the way I do.   Do you think it’s silly?

 

Live Every Moment…Laugh Every Day…Love Beyond Words

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One thought on “Fears

  1. Not silly at all. Sure everyone can always find someone else to point to who’s worse off or had a worse experience, but that doesn’t magically resolve feelings and fears. I think the comparison is only meant to give us perspective, not to make us feel like we should just stop complaining, or feeling silly, or whatever. Traumatic things take time to heal from. Take your time. At least from my perspective, it sounds like a perfectly normal reaction to the situation.

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