I’m a Big, Fat, Chicken

There.  I said it.  I am a chicken.  I will freely admit that I’m terrified.  Of what you might ask?  I guess it boils down to plain, old rejection.

You know how I found this out?  I’m a part of a website called She Writes.  Now, I’m not as active on there as I probably should be because I really don’t have the time, but that’s beside the point.  It’s basically a website where you can discuss your upcoming book or ask questions of other women who have published or experienced editing or whatever has to do with getting your book out there.  It can be quite helpful.

Today, though, I came across something different.  There was an open discussion created by someone who wanted to chapter swap; trade their first three or four chapters for someone else’s first chapters.  My first though was, that’s kind of awesome.  So, I went to check it out and see exactly what they were looking for.

I got excited for a minute.  Giddy even.  I could have someone who’s never read my story to give it a read.  I could get some real feedback.   Maybe even get some pointers as to how I could improve the flow.  How awesome would that be?

Then it hit me.  What if they don’t like it?  What if they read my first few chapters and say it is awful?  What if I’ve been working all this time on garbage?  Only very few (trusted) eyes have seen my story, was I ready for a complete stranger to look at it?

My chest got tight.

I got nervous.

I felt my anxiety build.

So, I shut the internet browser.  And then I deleted the email.  Irrational? Maybe.  The thought of someone else reading my first chapters without having the rest of the story was overwhelming.   It almost made me want to go read it myself and see if it needed any work.  Was it good enough yet?  It just made me feel better that I had no connection to that link.

That’s why I’m a chicken.

Am I ever going to feel like I’ll be able to let my story go into the hands of others?  Will the anxiety ever fade?  I don’t know.  The whole point and purpose of writing this story was to have all of you read it.  But, the more I think about it, the more terrified I get.

For those of you who have published….I’d love to hear how you overcame letting go or if you still feel the fear.

As for me, I’m going to continue forward and keep writing and just hope one day, it will feel right to let it go.

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